Yes I am aware it is Monday, not Sunday. But I really could not let myself go near the computer last night for fear of what I might write to the children’s father, due to the intense seething rage I was experiencing.
This hasn’t happened for a while, which is why I am counting it as my step back this week. But it only hasn’t happened because we haven’t communicated that much. The moment we do, he says stuff which twists the knife.
So this time, I got a bizarre email congratulating us for the ‘great co-parenting’ we have done by sitting with each other at the children’s Christmas concerts. This apparently shows that our children are receiving ‘much more care and attention than either of us ever had’. I had a stay at home mother until I was fourteen years old, home every single day after school for baking, sewing, French lessons, nature walks and ferrying me to skating, diving, guides, ballet or sleepovers. She helped out with craft and reading at school and baked for the cake stall.
Last week my daughter had to be supervised by the school office lady for 2 hours on breakup day until the after school care opened. I am wracked with guilt and shame every single moment of my life at the insufficient and inadequate level of parental care and attention my children receive.
I feel crap that I have let him get to me again despite practising compassionate meditation Saturday towards him. And he won’t get it. Even when I do write the email to him letting him know how I feel, he will still say ‘this isn’t as one-sided as you make out’. So it is only me who suffers, because I can’t shake the rage. I have been oversensitive all day, and have a twisting anxiety in my chest.
How to let go?
Steps forward this week:
1. I found some assertiveness to address a problem I had with my supervisor at work this week, and despite an awkward hour or so afterwards, results have been great so far. And I received positive feedback from my manager which has boosted my self-esteem. I have only been doing my new job for 4 months, and every day is a learning curve. I work well with positive reinforcement.
2. My dad came to town and had dinner with the kids and me one night, and just the two of us for his birthday the next. He is at the age now where he is reflecting on his mortality, so every moment we have together, though few, has its poignancy. Plus, I am very happy that I finally gave him a present he appeared to enjoy, and it didn’t cost me a cent! I gave him a punnet of tomatoes from the garden and some pickled nasturtium berries. Unfortunately, he couldn’t take the food home through quarantine, so he had to eat his presents while here. But I didn’t get the sinking feeling I normally get after he has unwrapped his presents.
This week’s theme has definitely been about my relationships.