I have not really ‘lived’ a week this past 7 days. It has been a blur, a rush, an avoidance, anything to get me past the Christmas period, so that I can hit reset, and get back to living my routine life. The expectation that Christmas is a ‘time out’ from routine has upset the precarious balance I have established to get us through life, and I am overwhelmed by it. So I have shut down and covered my eyes, because if I can’t see Christmas, then it can’t see me.
1. After purging my week’s stresses re the children’s father to my neighbour on Thursday night after bumping into each other at the shops, I took myself to the Chinese massage parlour for a 20 minute neck, shoulder and back massage which shattered me. It drained and exhausted me. But it brought up whatever I was burying and I feel a little less tired now, days later.
2. We started a new tradition, or maybe just had a great community night last night. My neighbour’s husband was out, so she brought the girls over for pizza. I had found a new pizza dough recipe which worked, hurrah! Slightly the worse for wear after one cider, I confessed to my neighbour that I finally had a sense of family – their family was my family now. Not knowing I had stayed for a massage, she had been worried about me on Thursday when I hadn’t come home from the shops soon after her. I can’t remember someone looking out for me. When her husband is not home, she looks to the lights on in my house for comfort.
1. Any communication with the children’s father. Still.