all i want for Christmas

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This time of year is for yearning.

Yearning for togetherness, with those already in this world, and those long dreamed of, but who haven’t arrived yet.

I was chatting with my sister last night and the topic of her relationship was brought up.  Despite having semi-regular phone catch ups all year, somehow the fact that she has broken up with her partner, who still lives with her, had not been mentioned.  She corrected me, they are ‘broken’ not yet ‘broken up’.  A question of semantics and logistics to me.

But there went my hope.  My sister had found her ex-partner (it’s my blog I can call him this) on RSVP in September last year and within weeks he was declared ‘the one’.  By the time I met him at Christmas, there was open talk of children.

I first went on RSVP 2 days after I separated in early September 2009.  This was followed by match.com, Oasis, eharmony, and plenty of fish.  Night after night I responded to ‘kisses’.  I met a handful, but apart from the first which lasted 6 weeks, none went more than the third date.  I even had one call off a first date due to having had a ‘heart attack’ that day.

My hope was spurred by a new colleague who only last week left these shores for North Carolina to be with her Man forever, whom she met on POF in June this year.  But I have now pulled my profile from all these sites.

I no longer have the energy to respond night after night, especially as some people were just not civil.  I felt like I was fraying my energies, and it dawned on me that if I refocus these onto my home and my family, then I can tractor beam my ‘soulmate’ to me.  Besides, I really do not have time for a fledgling relationship, men seem to need more attention than babies… A man is going to have to ingratiate himself into my life so slowly that I won’t even notice he is here. The ideal arrangement would be ‘fly in fly out’.

Learning of my sister’s news (which came via my father btw), I then had to break it to the kids that ‘Uncle Y’ was not coming to visit at Easter or anytime.  While they had only met him once, I create a family for them by talking about the extended relations over on the other side of the country constantly, so they are never out of mind, and to ensure the kids grow up knowing that they are a part of a larger whole.

My sister’s biggest regret about having spent over a year financially and emotionally supporting a grown adult who wouldn’t get a job? That the likelihood of her having children is now slimmer.  Her lights are on.  The proverbial is ticking.  And the yearning is intense.  She even mused that she would have sex with her ex-partner one last time to get pregnant before he moves out, but for the fact that a) it would give him false hope and b) she can’t stand the idea physically.

My father failed to mention that he had offered to pay for a sperm donor for my sister for Christmas….

This would ordinarily seem bizarre, but I am related to this man.

And it is not out of the question.  Far from it.  My sister and I discussed doing this together the year I turn 39 (and therefore my last chance) and when she is 35.  If, you know, things don’t happen in any other way.  Single motherhood does not scare me in the slightest! But not having any more children does.  My sister reminded me that my situation was not as dire as hers as I already had two.  But the yearning is no different.  I have always wanted 4, ever since I started naming them and spacing their years of birth as an 8 year old.

This had been the plan with the kids’ father, but only because he came along when he did.  (Actually, to nutshell it, and flag for another day – he was the one who pressured me to have babies after 10 days, and had been on the look out for an incubator ever since he split up with his previous girlfriend who had had an abortion.)

My family is not complete, and I will continue to yearn.  But I need to know what it is like to have a baby with someone I love.  The two I have take the pressure off, biologically, so I can take the time to ensure that I have met my life partner.

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