Category Archives: Relationships

all i want for Christmas

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This time of year is for yearning.

Yearning for togetherness, with those already in this world, and those long dreamed of, but who haven’t arrived yet.

I was chatting with my sister last night and the topic of her relationship was brought up.  Despite having semi-regular phone catch ups all year, somehow the fact that she has broken up with her partner, who still lives with her, had not been mentioned.  She corrected me, they are ‘broken’ not yet ‘broken up’.  A question of semantics and logistics to me.

But there went my hope.  My sister had found her ex-partner (it’s my blog I can call him this) on RSVP in September last year and within weeks he was declared ‘the one’.  By the time I met him at Christmas, there was open talk of children.

I first went on RSVP 2 days after I separated in early September 2009.  This was followed by match.com, Oasis, eharmony, and plenty of fish.  Night after night I responded to ‘kisses’.  I met a handful, but apart from the first which lasted 6 weeks, none went more than the third date.  I even had one call off a first date due to having had a ‘heart attack’ that day.

My hope was spurred by a new colleague who only last week left these shores for North Carolina to be with her Man forever, whom she met on POF in June this year.  But I have now pulled my profile from all these sites.

I no longer have the energy to respond night after night, especially as some people were just not civil.  I felt like I was fraying my energies, and it dawned on me that if I refocus these onto my home and my family, then I can tractor beam my ‘soulmate’ to me.  Besides, I really do not have time for a fledgling relationship, men seem to need more attention than babies… A man is going to have to ingratiate himself into my life so slowly that I won’t even notice he is here. The ideal arrangement would be ‘fly in fly out’.

Learning of my sister’s news (which came via my father btw), I then had to break it to the kids that ‘Uncle Y’ was not coming to visit at Easter or anytime.  While they had only met him once, I create a family for them by talking about the extended relations over on the other side of the country constantly, so they are never out of mind, and to ensure the kids grow up knowing that they are a part of a larger whole.

My sister’s biggest regret about having spent over a year financially and emotionally supporting a grown adult who wouldn’t get a job? That the likelihood of her having children is now slimmer.  Her lights are on.  The proverbial is ticking.  And the yearning is intense.  She even mused that she would have sex with her ex-partner one last time to get pregnant before he moves out, but for the fact that a) it would give him false hope and b) she can’t stand the idea physically.

My father failed to mention that he had offered to pay for a sperm donor for my sister for Christmas….

This would ordinarily seem bizarre, but I am related to this man.

And it is not out of the question.  Far from it.  My sister and I discussed doing this together the year I turn 39 (and therefore my last chance) and when she is 35.  If, you know, things don’t happen in any other way.  Single motherhood does not scare me in the slightest! But not having any more children does.  My sister reminded me that my situation was not as dire as hers as I already had two.  But the yearning is no different.  I have always wanted 4, ever since I started naming them and spacing their years of birth as an 8 year old.

This had been the plan with the kids’ father, but only because he came along when he did.  (Actually, to nutshell it, and flag for another day – he was the one who pressured me to have babies after 10 days, and had been on the look out for an incubator ever since he split up with his previous girlfriend who had had an abortion.)

My family is not complete, and I will continue to yearn.  But I need to know what it is like to have a baby with someone I love.  The two I have take the pressure off, biologically, so I can take the time to ensure that I have met my life partner.

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lady for a tradie

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Who does garden projects?

Certainly not people who work full-time, home make, and raise children on their own…

But with a weekend sans children last week, I tackled my most important project, the reason for buying a house in the first place – the first of my garden beds.

Hammering in the star pickets was not a problem, but then, the chicken wire started twisting and recoiling, slashing me across the face.  Heart break, or rather, chicken wire rage, when the length I had cut was a couple of inches too short. So out came the star pickets and started again.  And digging the trench in heavy clay soils – not really sure what I thought I was doing, but had some inspired genius notion of preventing bandicoots from digging under the fence. Except I dug the soil out on the wrong side, and the chicken wire just bent in on itself..duuuhh.  Swearing a little more frequently and loudly than usual, I abandoned the fencing project for another time. I’m pretty sure it looked a little like a toddler tantrum.

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I had other jobs I needed to get on with: handwashing clothes, vacuuming, present wrapping, baking for teachers’ Christmas presents, and so on and so on.  Why oh why did I think I could add a ‘major infrastructure project’ to my list of jobs and still manage to get it all done???

Because I’m a woman, and I think I can do it all.

Except when I compare myself to much more worthy female DIYers like my friend Kirsty.  She is the type of person who when asked how her weekend was, answers with ‘oh I put up a deck’.  Once I described my vision of creating rooms in my open plan living area, and she stated that we could put up a stud wall one weekend.  We???!

But you see, as Kirsty explains it, she is the handy woman because her partner is in IT. Enough said.  She taught me that I don’t need to wait for a man to rescue my home maintenance and renovations dramas, or to ‘complete me’.  I need to be enough on my own, and then whatever he brings to the table, he brings.

That may be, but I can tell you, if a tradie comes knocking at my door, he would have me at hello.